Tuesday, January 11, 2011
middle of the night meltdown
So all day I felt like crap, I got up at 4am when DD woke up but she fell right back to sleep and I didn't DH had a shitty day anyways I've felt like I've been on the verge of tears all day. All I wanted was a nap but since I had the car today I had to wait to pick up DH from work. So I fought the urge to nap and finally went and got DH (4 hours after he was suppose to be done). Got home ate dinner and told DH I wasn't feeling good and I was going to take a nap....DH woke me up at 11pm! now he thought he was being nice in letting me sleep so long, and he really was, but now I can't fall back to sleep because I'm not tired. But when he woke me up I lost it. He's getting ready to deploy, I started BALLING about how I don't want our DD to forget who her daddy is and how I don't want to do it all alone. He just told me that we needed the money and it wouldn't be that long, we go through this every year and I should be use to it. Well 1st deployment we weren't married, second deployment we had only been married 5 months, 3rd deployment I was pregnant. There has been no consistency, this deployment I'm being left with a 9 month old...who is a daddy's girl! She's old enough to know that her daddy wont be here, and it kills me that I can't even try to explain it to her. how do you tell a 9 month old about a deployment? you don't..I tell DH all the time I'd rather be poor and in debt then have to say goodbye to him every winter 4 deployments in 4 years is crazy stupid and I hate that he leaves every year...its only a few months so in that fact I'm lucky but every year he leaves. This year he is missing DD's first birthday....and that just adds to my emotional mess..I know he's not the first military dad to miss an event and I know he wont be the last but I'm just having a hard time dealing with it all right now. It's all happening too fast, I feel like yesterday I was picking him up from his last deployment and our DD was just born...where did the last nine months go!? someone make it stop please!!!