I saw this a couple years ago and just recently found it again, it makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one trying to coup with these questions [italic is my added thoughts] I love coming back and reading it as my life has changed over time.
What NOT to say to a Military Wife
from: Dear Deployment I Hate You
We get a lot of stupid questions and comments. Here are some responses for the next time you get one.
Do you miss him? No. I love being alone. The silence is warming. I enjoy fixing everything that breaks and cuddling with my pillow. [I got married so I don't have to see my husband, but at least the pillow wont roll away haha]
My boyfriend is out of town on business, I know how you feel. Yes I hear there is a huge mortar problem in Michigan.
Aren't you afraid he'll die? No, I had actually forgotten that that was a possibility, but thank you. Thank you for reminding me.
I don't know how you manage, I couldn't do it. Thank God it's not you then. Phew.
At least he's not in Iraq/Afghanistan/Qatar. Hes' not!? Shit, that changes everything. [I get this one a lot! Drives me bonkers!]
Do you think he'll come home for Christmas/Birthday/Anniversary? I don't know yet, he just put in his leave request to the Taliban, we're still waiting for a response.
What are you going to do to keep busy while he's gone? I don't know. Since he's been gone the house cleans itself, the bills are magically paid, and the kids are angels. [So clearly I have nothing to do]
How many days until he gets out? Depends. How many days until you join? [well, some people ENJOY it, not the deployment part, but my DH likes his job and wants to make a career out of it!! So 5 years down 15 to go...]
You'll get used to it. Yeah, the rigorous schedule is something I get used to. I'm actually a robot. I love watching the news, and the surprise missions are like tiny birthday presents from hell. Yes, I'm getting used to it like I get used to a tooth ache.
What is he doing over there? Knitting. [I think I might start using this comeback haha]
He signed up for it. It's his fault if anything happens to him. Yes, and it's your fault for any teeth you're about to lose. [Yes, it's HIS fault that your significant other hasn't been drafted you ass hat! It's your HIS fault you can say stupid sh!t like that!!]
In my opinion - *look at your phone* Sorry, my grandmother is calling from her grave, I have to get this. [oh I hate this one! If you don't know anything about military life I don't want your input. This is my day in, day out life. You watch the news and think you know what it is like, well NEW FLASH you don't know what it is like. So keep your opinion!]
That's awful, I'm sorry! Don't be, he looked hot doing it. He's good. Did your husband fix your sink?
Why don't you just go see him? They frown upon strangers 'round those parts, but by all means, go visit and let me know how it goes.
Don't worry, he'll be home soon. Really? I thought we had 8 months left. Thank goodness you reminded me.
How do you go without sex? Luckily we hold our relationship to a higher standard than simply our physical contact. Oh, and I have self control. Oh, and I only want one man. It's super easy that way. [I HATE HATE HATE the cheating military wife stereotype. A few slutty wives have ruined the good name of the other military wives. It's not hard to keep your legs shut when you know what true love is.]
What if he doesn't come back? Then I will cry until I'm sick to my stomach and I feel like my body is going to break apart. Then I will sleep alone in our bed and have dreams of him being with me only to wake up to him still being gone, knowing he will never come home and that I never got to say goodbye. Oh, too much information? My bad. [well you asked]
Could he not finish college? Nah those Taliban guys don't like to negotiate. [My husband tried college, it wasn't his thing. But again he joined so your SO wouldn't get drafted]
How can you support someone that kills people? It doesn't count if it's in a different zip code. [Have you never given your local police station a donation? They kill people in extreme situations too. That is what is going on right now an extreme military situation. And if you actually knew my husband and his job you would know he's not killing anyone. Most of the jobs in the military are about support, making food, fixing planes and tanks, being doctors, drafting contacts....learn a little more about the military before you assume all my husband does is kill people]
Don't you worry he'll cheat over there? Yes, I'm super worried that he's going to want to sleep with a woman who isn't allowed to speak or someone he works with and risk losing his job. That's what I'm uber worried about.
How can you marry someone who is gone for so long? At least we don't spend 12 months thinking up new ways to hate each other like....oh...sorry. [it's part of the deal we made when we said 'I do'. The time we spend apart makes the time we have together that much more meaningful.]
You look tired. Yeah unfortunately the middle east is in a different hemisphere and no one will move it. [HA! love this come back! I am willing to wake up in the middle of the night to talk to my husband...are you?]
You know he's going to miss out on the kids' lives. I was banking on them living quite a few years. I think they're good. And we have those crazy telegraph do-dads and boxes that you can talk to people through. [Do you think he likes missing out one his kid's life? Missing birthdays and milestones? Honestly I think it makes him a better dad because he treasures the every moment more then the average dad who is always around.]
You never know what goes on over there and his buddies aren't going to rat him out. Yeah, because they're all eating and sleeping. [oh and a good wife knows his buddies and trusts them]
The time will fly. Time will fly, pigs will fly, hell will freeze over....I'm still waiting. [and waiting, and waiting....oh and waiting....]
He's going to be completely different when he comes back, ya know. Yeah, so will I but I'm working on my hulk tear. [and next year your husband will be different too...his beer gut is coming in nicely]
You're lucky. ....compared to.....? [maybe I should play the lottery then]
Fuck the troops. *whisper* Seven days. [You can hate the president, you can hate congress...but you better respect the troops!! They are saving your butt!! I don't how many times I have to say it but my husband WILLINGLY joining means your husband gets to stay home and keep his cushy 9-5 office job, that paid for your fake boobs and your $90 hair cut]
Wouldn't you rather be with someone who's home? Convenience < Quality [and folks my husband is high quality!]
Did you hear about the soldiers killed in - Awesome, thank you. I was hoping someone would slip that into conversation today. [I dont watch the new while he's deployed for a reason]
Can't you text him? Why didn't I think of that!? [although I'll admit technology has come a long way but $4.99 a minuet is not worth it when we make next to nothing, I'll just treasure the moments when he can call me]
That sucks. Well aware. [why are you reminding me?]
Aren't you worried he's going to come back and go crazy and kill you in your sleep or something? Oh that's nothing new. [HA!]
Are you pregnant!? What if you don't get another chance? Do I look pregnant? [This is another stereotype that is annoying, not every military wife is a baby making machine. Are most of the moms? yes, but that doesn't mean that's all we do. I go to school, clean the house, cook meals for my kiddo and I also sell a Scentsy to help buy diapers and gas...more to my life the just popping out kids]
Oh he's in the military...the easy way out. Do you take automatic weaponry with you to brush your teeth? [EASY?! You think the military is easy?! HA then you join!!]
You deserve someone who can be there for you. Well mine has special powers that yours doesn't. [My husband actually dose have super powers so there!]
You should spend more time being proud than sad. I tried that and it sucked, so now I'm taking the Ben & Jerry approach. Feel free to ride your butterfly out of here. [but your butterfly is not as cool as my unicorn. Have a nice day.]
The front lines are the most dangerous. Dammit, I thought they aimed for the back.
You're single, it's time to party! I'm what? [what logic is this!? hell, I didn't party when I was single anyways haha why start now]
If there's anything I can do, let me know. I hope you're a magician with unlimited minutes.
How do you do it? I haven't written down the process yet, but I'll get back to you. [I don't really have a choice, I love my husband and he's in the military. End of story]